Category: Politics
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FIFA Awards Peace Prize to The World’s Most Peaceful Guy
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in Politics“Some people are saying I invented peace. You can check the stats – nobody has created more peace than me.” WASHINGTON – FIFA failed to surprise anyone this week after handing its newly invented Peace Prize to Donald J. Trump during the World Cup draw. Gianni Infantino presented the award with the trembling excitement of…
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Secret Summit of Non-Football “Football” Codes Behind Plot to Split Soccer Into Separate Subscriptions
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in PoliticsAlarming reports have emerged of a clandestine alliance between the NFL, AFL, NRL and several other “football” codes. The coalition recently held its annual ultra-secret summit, known internally as The Prolate Spheroid Society, to discuss plans to sabotage the world’s ability to watch actual football. The secretive gathering allegedly took place in a fortified chalet…
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FIFA Launches Nobel Peace Prize’s Evil Twin
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in PoliticsFIFA confirmed its status as an omnipotent being on Wednesday after proudly unveiling the FIFA Peace Prize, a bold new award designed to “celebrate those uniting the world through football.” The move, from an organisation best known for uniting nations through corruption inquiries, human rights investigations, and slightly racist mascots, has industrial-strength irony meters redlining.…
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ScoMo To Finally Receive Red Card for Bulldozing Kid On Campaign Trail
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in Politics“After VAR Review…” CANBERRA – In a world-first, former Prime Minister Scott Morrison’s infamous 2022 demolition of an eight-year-old during a campaign football match will now be penalised retroactively. While the clip briefly took over social media, experts believe it vanished too soon to have any lasting impact on Australian football and requires a second…
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FA Unveils Revolutionary New ‘Pay to Pay’ Subscription
SYDNEY – Football Australia has once again demonstrated its world-class innovation with the launch of FA+, a premium membership tier designed to bring fans closer than ever to the dream of maybe watching the Socceroos at the World Cup. For just $99, members receive the priceless opportunity to enter a ballot for tickets they’ll still…
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REPORT: Comedians, Like Footballers, Enjoy Saudi Money
Football fans across the globe have been left ethically disoriented this week after discovering that comedians, too, enjoy money. Several high-profile comics performed in Riyadh last week, “pulling a Neymar” in what some hypocritical experts are calling “disgusting.” “I understood when Benzema went,” said one Madrid fan clutching his home shirt, ethically stitched by a…
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Victorian Government to Announce A-League Membership Bins
AUSTRALIA – After the overwhelming success of the Machete Bin Amnesty, in which Victorians surrendered a whopping 1,362 blades in the first two weeks (a steal at roughly $9,500 per knife), the Allan Government has now turned its sights to another pressing threat to public order: A-League soccer fans. Yes, the same wild families who…
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FIFA Announces 13-Month Calendar To Fit All Competitions, Declares ‘Time Is Now a Sponsorable Asset’
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in PoliticsZURICH – FIFA has confirmed plans to introduce a revolutionary “13-month football calendar” beginning in 2026, expanding the global season to accommodate what officials call “the game’s unstoppable growth and our insatiable commitment to opportunity.” The decision, announced Thursday from FIFA headquarters, comes amid growing criticism that the football calendar has become “physically impossible.” In…