FIFA confirmed its status as an omnipotent being on Wednesday after proudly unveiling the FIFA Peace Prize, a bold new award designed to “celebrate those uniting the world through football.”
The move, from an organisation best known for uniting nations through corruption inquiries, human rights investigations, and slightly racist mascots, has industrial-strength irony meters redlining.
Sources close to Gianni Infantino say the idea came to him during “a moment of divine self-awareness” while signing a sponsorship deal with a weapons manufacturer. “If anyone can bring peace,” Infantino allegedly declared, “it’s the people who brought you Qatar 2022.”
The inaugural shortlist reportedly includes Donald Trump, an unnamed oil tycoon, and Lionel Messi. One FIFA official, speaking anonymously from a yacht, said Trump’s “unique diplomatic record and love of the game” made him “an ideal ambassador for football’s healing power.”
President Trump called the award “terrific” before fueling rumours by adding: “FIFA are a tremendous organisation and it would be an honour for a good person like me to receive Gianni’s award.”
Critics have called the award “the Nobel Peace Prize’s evil twin,” suggesting the governing body is attempting to trademark and monetize harmony. FIFA insists the selection process will be “completely transparent” and confirmed it will be sponsored by several of the planet’s leading “green” corporations.
Infantino has promised the ceremony will “inspire hope across the planet,” with the ceremony reportedly featuring a holographic Mother Teresa presenting the award, pending FIFA’s acquisition of her image rights.