Category: People
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Local Coach’s LinkedIn Update Proudly Addresses Imaginary Fanbase
“For those who were wondering” The local football landscape experienced no measurable disturbance today as coach Darren “The General” McVey issued a fresh LinkedIn address to his “supporters,” announcing he had attended a “High Performance Coaching Course.” Describing himself on his profile as a “football professional,” the Southern Crocodiles’ U18 assistant coach outlined his “commitment…
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Cristiano Ronaldo Declares Humility as His Greatest Gift in Latest Ball-Tickling Interview
“I’m ordinary, like you. Only better.” In his latest interview with Piers Morgan, Cristiano Ronaldo once again showcased his lifelong mastery of modesty by gently reminding the world that greatness is a heavy burden he carries with exceptional grace. “If you met my humility you would be surprised. It is very big,” the Portugal legend…
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Local League Liability Turns Up in Brand-New Wanker Wheels
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in People“How’s your touch?” Disbelief erupted at a social indoor soccer league last night as the undisputed worst player in the squad arrived for five-a-side wearing a pristine pair of limited-edition Louis Vuitton LV Footprint “Wanker Wheels,” reportedly worth more than his monthly income. Teammates say the man, who once tore his quad during the warm-up…
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Don McTomino Embraces New Life as Italian Mobster
“Luka Modric sleeps with the fishes” NAPLES – What began as a footballing revival has reportedly evolved into a full cultural assimilation, with sources confirming that Scott McTominay has “fully transitioned into a respected figure of Neapolitan organised life” following his remarkable first season with Napoli. Witnesses say McTominay, now affectionately known as Don McTomino,…
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REPORT: Comedians, Like Footballers, Enjoy Saudi Money
Football fans across the globe have been left ethically disoriented this week after discovering that comedians, too, enjoy money. Several high-profile comics performed in Riyadh last week, “pulling a Neymar” in what some hypocritical experts are calling “disgusting.” “I understood when Benzema went,” said one Madrid fan clutching his home shirt, ethically stitched by a…
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CONFIRMED: Girl Soccer Moms Are Even Worse Than Boy Soccer Dads
By Robin Marshall | The Authentico Across youth soccer fields, a new menace has emerged – armed with Stanley cups, Pinterest affirmations, and the delusional belief that their 9-year-old is the next Alex Morgan. Local referees are reportedly seeking witness protection after discovering that girl soccer moms are not only real – but significantly worse…
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Tiki Toka Generation: Dopamine Demons Prefer 6-7 Second Clips to 90 Minute Matches
“Full matches are for NPCs.” A new generation of fans has declared that football is better if you don’t actually have to watch it. A Sky Sports executive confirmed Wednesday that from next season, the Premier League will scrap full 90-minute broadcasts in favour of a 24/7 “loop of mega moments”: goals, tricks, tackles, and…
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Third Course: Club Owner Just Eating the Managers Now
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in People“Let him cook” A leaked report has confirmed what many feared: one of football’s most erratic owners has been eating the managers he sacks. For years, he contented himself with rotisserie meats. But recently, staff say, he’s swapped the rotating roasts for something far more horrific: seasoned managers. Each new coach is slightly plumper than…
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Thermal Warfare: Atletico Boiled Alive Hours After Developing Mild Hypothermia
EVIL GENIUS – Mikel Arteta has once again found himself in hot water while building a reputation as one of football’s most diabolical minds after Arsenal rinsed Atletico Madrid 4-0 in this evening’s Champions League encounter. Fans were quick to credit the Gunners’ tactician after Atletico’s Champions League preparation at The Emirates on Monday was…
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Bloke Who Requires Momentum to Get Off the Sofa Declares “They’re Not as Athletic as the Men.”
BIRMINGHAM – Local football expert and occasional lawn-mower operator Dave Simmonds declared on Sunday that “women’s football just isn’t the same,” during halftime of a Women’s Super League match he had not realised was on until it interrupted an advert for lager. Simmonds, 47, who last sprinted in 2017 to stop his recycling bin rolling…