“Luka Modric sleeps with the fishes”
NAPLES – What began as a footballing revival has reportedly evolved into a full cultural assimilation, with sources confirming that Scott McTominay has “fully transitioned into a respected figure of Neapolitan organised life” following his remarkable first season with Napoli.
Witnesses say McTominay, now affectionately known as Don McTomino, has taken to wearing crisp sweaters, gold rings, and dark sunglasses, and is now chauffeured to training in a black Maserati.
Locals claim he begins each morning with a slow stroll through the Quartieri Spagnoli, espresso in hand, as residents line the narrow streets to make quiet offerings to the Scottish midfielder.
Napoli insiders insist the transformation has only improved his on-field leadership. “He’s become more… persuasive,” said one teammate.
According to reports, McTominay’s post-match debriefs with staff now take place in dimly lit restaurants, surrounded by men in expensive coats who address him simply as McDon. He allegedly refuses to discuss tactics publicly and has replaced his usual hydration routine with small glasses of limoncello.
When asked about the rumours, Napoli’s sporting director replied cautiously: “Scott has been… instrumental in ensuring certain officials see us more favourably. Figuratively speaking, of course.”
Following the success of their former player, Manchester United are said to be exploring a similar model, with Rúben Amorim reportedly considering sending Kobbie Mainoo to Sicily “to show him the old ways.”
UEFA has declined to comment on reports that one of its officials was forced to kiss McTominay’s ring ahead of a recent Champions League match.
Red Devils fans were quick to weigh in, with one Facebook user commenting: “Not sure about kiss on the ring, but since leaving us he’s definitely been kissed on the dick.”
When quizzed about his newfound cultural identity, the former Scot replied: “Italian? I’m Neapolitan.”