Science: Decline of the Receding Hairline in Modern Kids Causing Reduction in Long-Range Thunderbastards

Researchers have this week discovered a link between declining rates of teenage male pattern baldness and the percentage of bangers scored in top-flight football.

According to data from the Institute of Football Aesthetics and Applied Biomechanics, long-range efforts – defined as shots hit from beyond 20 yards out  – have fallen by 47% since 2005. Analysts point to a clear correlation: as players’ hairlines have strengthened, their willingness to test the keeper from distance has dramatically weakened.

“Today’s youth academies are full of bright-eyed, well-follicled lads with thick, styled fringes,” said one veteran coach, visibly disgusted. “But the absence of early male pattern baldness has coincided perfectly with the decline in grit and character.”

“The moment I see a 14-year-old with a perfect fade and a strong hairline, I know he won’t be able to volley a Mitre ball through a car windscreen,” he continued, lighting a cigarette next to the training pitch. “When I was their age, we had lads who looked like tax accountants. Wayne [Rooney] had a hairline that started in Leeds. You could tell he was built different.”

Some sports scientists have been quick to defend the follicularly gifted generation, insisting that hairline recession is not, in fact, an indicator of leadership, mental resilience, or lower-body force production. But old-school observers remain unconvinced.

“You can’t coach a receding hairline at 12,” said a nostalgic scout from Merseyside. “That’s God’s way of saying: this one’s ready for Stoke away.”

“If you’ve still got a full fringe by U18s,” one ex-pro muttered, “you’re not ready for the big time – and you’re certainly not ready to play for David Moyes.”

The FA is reportedly introducing “Head in the Game,” a new Mental Fortitude Programme, in which selected academy players will be exposed to artificial stressors like bad haircuts, poor photo lighting, and being told no, to make up for the lack of resilience caused by a strong head of hair. Results are inconclusive.

Meanwhile, footage of a young Rooney scoring a volley in 2002 – with the face of a war veteran and the hairline of a 42-year-old accountant – continues to circulate online, serving as a painful reminder of what we’ve lost.

Until youth players once again accept the receding hairline as a badge of honour, the game may never return to its true glory days – when men were men, tackles were fierce, and goals from 40 yards were hit by someone who looked like your chain-smoking uncle.