FIFA Awards Peace Prize to The World’s Most Peaceful Guy

“Some people are saying I invented peace. You can check the stats – nobody has created more peace than me.”

WASHINGTON – FIFA failed to surprise anyone this week after handing its newly invented Peace Prize to Donald J. Trump during the World Cup draw.

Gianni Infantino presented the award with the trembling excitement of a man meeting the poster on his teenage bedroom wall. Witnesses said he stared at Trump for so long that the broadcast briefly cut to a shot of a confused mascot to prevent HR issues.

Trump accepted the trophy and immediately ranked himself above history’s most iconic humanitarians. “I’m a much bigger peace person than Gandhi ever was. Gandhi never had ratings like mine, everybody knows that,” he said, before claiming he had personally “stabilised at least seven regions,” several of which have not been recognised by any map.

Sources inside FIFA admitted the award was designed as “an ego extender,” which in Trump’s case “added two or three psychological inches instantly.” One insider said the committee wanted to “support global harmony by supporting his self-esteem,” calling it “a cost-effective intervention.”

Infantino praised Trump for “bringing harmony to every place he visits,” a sentence that caused at least four diplomats to choke on their water. One attendee reported hearing Infantino whisper “you deserve -” into Trump’s ear, though this could not be confirmed over the howling applause from the FIFA Executive Committee. Viewers described the atmosphere as “romantic, but in a way that made everyone uncomfortable.”

Trump closed his speech with, “No one has ever brought more peace than me. Not that piggy Mother Teresa, not Mandela, not anybody. People are saying it.” Infantino nodded with full-body devotion, maintaining eye contact in a way that broke several broadcast guidelines.

FIFA concluded the ceremony by announcing next year’s Peace Prize will be “even more historic,” prompting speculation that future winners may include Fortune 500 companies, offshore trusts, or possibly Trump again, depending on how Infantino is feeling.