Secret Summit of Non-Football “Football” Codes Behind Plot to Split Soccer Into Separate Subscriptions

Alarming reports have emerged of a clandestine alliance between the NFL, AFL, NRL and several other “football” codes. The coalition recently held its annual ultra-secret summit, known internally as The Prolate Spheroid Society, to discuss plans to sabotage the world’s ability to watch actual football.

The secretive gathering allegedly took place in a fortified chalet in New York, not far from NFL headquarters, where delegates arrived via private transportation wearing ceremonial blazers and gold lanyards embossed with what is believed to be the group’s esoteric oval-shaped mark.

According to one whistleblower, the group has spent years studying ways to block world football’s single greatest strength: mass accessibility. Their solution is to destroy it with catastrophic subscription fragmentation.

Plans tabled at the meeting allegedly included forcing every league, cup, pre-season friendly and grainy third-tier stream onto a different paid platform until even diehard European fans give up and tune into an AFLW dead rubber.

One insider claimed the ultimate aim is to create a world where watching a single weekend of football requires multiple subscriptions, a small loan, and an Excel spreadsheet – a plan that is coming to fruition quickly.

Global football bodies led by FIFA and UEFA say they’re investigating, though sources admit half of them were planning similar schemes independently.

Updates to come.