“Full matches are for NPCs.”
A new generation of fans has declared that football is better if you don’t actually have to watch it.
A Sky Sports executive confirmed Wednesday that from next season, the Premier League will scrap full 90-minute broadcasts in favour of a 24/7 “loop of mega moments”: goals, tricks, tackles, and meme-worthy meltdowns, such as Gary Neville exhaling like a dying radiator.
Executives hailed the move as a major step forward for engagement metrics. “Just as streaming services removed filler episodes and got straight to the point,” one insider explained, “we’re removing filler football.”
According to Deloitte, the average Gen Z fan now consumes football in “micro fragments,” with peak engagement recorded at 7.2 seconds – often while simultaneously scrolling other apps.
FIFA, ever-ready to profit from the impending attention apocalypse, has begun testing FIFA Infinite™: an AI-powered telekinetic stream of random goals stitched into an endless hallucination of football that never stops. “It’s about monopolizing attention and monetizing every available synapse,” said Gianni Infantino.
Traditionalists are horrified. Steve, 52, whose profile picture is a selfie taken from under his chin, told The Authentico: “I knew that Tiki Toka stuff wouldn’t end well. How am I supposed to ignore my wife without my match of the day?”
In contrast, young fans are delighted. “It’s peak, fam” said 19-year-old Jayden, eyes glazed and white residue forming at the corners of his mouth as he refreshed his feed. “Every second, something wild happens. No cap, watching full games was sus anyway.”
“I ain’t got time for matches,” said 20-year-old Liverpool fan Zac, who spends four hours a day arguing online about Alexander Isak. “Bro, I can catch all the goals for free at home while I peep OnlyFans. Big brain move.”
