“Let him cook”
A leaked report has confirmed what many feared: one of football’s most erratic owners has been eating the managers he sacks.
For years, he contented himself with rotisserie meats. But recently, staff say, he’s swapped the rotating roasts for something far more horrific: seasoned managers.
Each new coach is slightly plumper than the last – a worrying trend that has thrown the club’s equipment staff into complete disarray. Each cuisine is also different to the last with the owner not settling on a preferred dish.
After a relatively successful last season, manager one – widely respected by the fans – lasted just a few weeks. One morning, when he didn’t arrive at the training ground, it was assumed he’d taken an uncharacteristic day off. By lunchtime, the owner’s chair groaned under his expanding bulk. Staff noticed he was rounder, louder, and more digestively satisfied than ever.
Manager two arrived shortly after with fresh ideas and lasted barely over a month before disappearing immediately after yet another loss. The owner didn’t comment, except to lick his fingers and bellow about “needing extra energy for the next transfer window.”
Now, the third manager is in place. Already plumper than the last, it’s feared he’s next on the menu. Observers predict the increasingly gluttonous pattern will continue. Each new manager will be fatter, juicier, and more digestible than the last.
Fans are divided. Some chant: “Eat the rich!” Others watch with a mixture of terror and reluctant admiration, muttering that “he did get us to the promised land of the Premier League after all.”
Scientists believe every feed will make him denser, more powerful, and eventually unstoppable – gorging through the world’s entire supply of out-of-work managers before imploding like a collapsed star.
