BIRMINGHAM – Local football expert and occasional lawn-mower operator Dave Simmonds declared on Sunday that “women’s football just isn’t the same,” during halftime of a Women’s Super League match he had not realised was on until it interrupted an advert for lager.
Simmonds, 47, who last sprinted in 2017 to stop his recycling bin rolling into traffic, delivered his critique from a reclining position, his stomach forming what witnesses described as “a gentle hillock” over the television remote. Despite his limited physical mobility and even more limited viewing experience, Simmonds assured those within earshot that he could “definitely tell the difference” between men’s and women’s football.
“Look, they’re not as athletic,” said Simmonds, whose t-shirt hugged his armpits. “You just don’t see that same intensity, that same pace.” The remark was followed by a short coughing fit brought on by the effort of reaching for his beer.
His partner, Teresa, defended him, saying Dave “knows what he’s talking about” when it comes to proper football. “He used to play five-a-side before his knees went,” she explained. “These days he conserves energy for the big moments like getting up for snacks during half-time.”
Simmonds insists his insights are based on deep football knowledge accumulated over decades of “watching real men like Villa legend Paul Mcgrath.” Asked to name a current women’s player, he offered: “That American one with the hair,” before accusing the sport’s administrators of “ruining football with all this equality stuff.”
When pressed, Simmonds admitted he hadn’t watched a full women’s match since the 2019 World Cup. “I tried,” he said. “But the keeper didn’t look tall enough. I couldn’t take it seriously. If they want people to respect it, they need to raise the bar.” He did not specify which bar.
Simmonds also expressed frustration at the growing number of female pundits in the men’s game. “It’s not that I’ve got a problem with women talking about football,” he said, before developing one in real time. “I just prefer people who’ve actually played at the top level.”
“Look, I’m not sexist,” he added, seconds before proving that he is. “It’s just weird hearing a woman tell me what went wrong in a 4-4-2. I think it’s the pitch of the voice.”
Sociologist Dr. Lara Patel says Simmonds’ views are common among what researchers call Armchair Traditionalists: men who experience women’s sport primarily as an existential threat to their own fading sense of authority.
“For this demographic, football is sacred because it’s the last domain where they feel knowledgeable,” Patel explained. “When women play it well, it dismantles a hierarchy they didn’t even realise they depended on. It’s easier for them to pretend it’s bad than to admit they’re obsolete.”
While women’s football continues to grow – attendance at the Women’s FA Cup final topped 77,000 last season – Simmonds remains unconvinced. “It’s fine for what it is,” he said. “But you can’t compare it to the men’s game.” Moments later, he compared it to the men’s game again, describing it as “basically under-15s.”
Simmonds considers his commentary a civic duty. “Someone’s got to keep standards up,” he said. When asked what those standards were, he adjusted his waistband and said: “Proper football. You know – like men’s football.”
Experts say fans like Simmonds could, in theory, enjoy women’s football if they simply stopped comparing it to the men’s version. “They might appreciate each for what it is,” said Dr. Patel. “But that would require a humility that threatens their entire identity.”
By the time the news replayed the women’s match’s winning goal – a 25-yard curler into the top corner – Simmonds was asleep on the couch, his belly now fully concealing the remote. In the background, Teresa stacked tea cups while the commentators discussed the record crowd and growing global audience.
He snored through it, possibly dreaming of a world where football belonged solely to blokes like him who haven’t seen their own feet since before the Lionesses won anything, but somehow believe they know the game better than the women who play it in front of packed stadiums.