In what club officials have described as “a difficult but necessary decision,” a Premier League side has parted ways with their manager – the seventh head coach in four years to be undone by a squad valued at £820 million but apparently powerless to affect results in any way whatsoever.
Within minutes of the announcement, players flooded social media with black-and-white photos of themselves looking grim, each accompanied by the caption: “Thank you, gaffer. We go again.”
Midfielder Declan Bowes-Lyon, who reportedly refused to track back for most of the season, told reporters the news was “heartbreaking.”
“He was a great man, a great coach, and I wish him all the best,” said Bowes-Lyon. “Unfortunately, football’s a results business and someone has to take the blame.” That someone, witnesses confirm, is never them.
Sources close to the dressing room say morale remains “as strong as ever,” with club insiders insisting the players “gave everything” for their former manager – except effort, consistency, or interest in his tactical instructions.
“It’s sad, really,” said one veteran player, holding a designer washbag worth more than his manager’s yearly wage. “He came in with ideas, with a philosophy. But you can’t play that kind of football with players like us.”
Sources say billionaire owner Victor Lazarakis made the call minutes after the final whistle, slamming down his espresso before storming toward the tunnel. By the time he arrived, the manager’s car was already on a tow truck and the club’s social media team had posted the dreaded corner flag photo, football’s modern form of public execution.
In the club’s official statement, the board thanked the manager for his service and confirmed that “the players’ commitment to the project remains unwavering,” despite multiple reports of them wavering at the first sign of defensive responsibility.
Training resumes Monday under caretaker coach Chris Fenton, who is already being described internally as “a breath of fresh air” and, by next month, will almost certainly be “out of his depth.”
When asked for comment, captain Jack Wilson nodded solemnly. “We’ve got to look at ourselves,” he said, moments before looking anywhere else.